English

Living in the UK: Things they don’t teach you – Part 2

Britain is a wonderful country where some wonderfully strange observations can be made. However, nobody will teach you any of these things when you move to the UK; it is up to you as the ‘outsider’ to find out about all of these remarkable things by yourself.

Below is Part 2 of the observations that I have made about Britain in the 11 years that I have dwelled within its borders.

  1. Tutting; if you hear a Briton tut you may be inclined to think that they’re mildly annoyed about something, but you would be wrong. Britons tut because they are boiling over with rage, and they have to somehow let the outside world know that they are on the brink of completely losing it.
  2. Do you not have any friends? If you put the milk in first when making a cup of tea, that’s probably why.
  3. So many people talk about ‘The North’ all the time, but nobody seems to have a clue where it actually is. Is Nottingham up North? Leicester? Birmingham? Nobody seems to know for sure.
  4. There is only one way of correctly introducing yourself to a room full of people. You stick your hand up slightly, make no eye contact and awkwardly say ‘alright’.
  5. A vital life skill in Britain is your ability to avoid potholes in the road. Even people from war torn countries are in an eternal state of surprise about the awful state the British roads are in. Pro tip: if you want a pothole fixed, draw a penis around it with some paint. Local Authorities are generally fine with the existence of potholes, but they are firmly against drawings of the male organ of love on public roads.
  6. When it comes to comedy shows, the British philosophy is to compact as much brilliant material as possible into very few episodes. Famous shows like Fawlty Towers and The Office only had very few episodes, leaving the public begging for more – the torture is that more episodes will never be made. British reality television is on the other end of the scale when it comes to ‘torture’ as it never ends. Did we REALLY need 18 years of Big Brother? No.
  7. Nobody in the history of the UK has ever liked pebbledash. Despite this, it appears that half of all British homes are covered with it.
  8. Britons have a gift for creating ‘instant choirs’. For instance, if you have a plant pot and put it on someone’s head, burst out into song by singing “he’s got a plant pot on his head”. Within no time, you’ll have dozens of people singing along.
  9. If you really, really, really want to scare a Briton you don’t know, start talking to them on the train unprovoked.
  10. Everyone knows Scottish kilts, but folk costume does exist in England as well. In the Northeast, it involves men going shirtless whatever the weather conditions.

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